Woke up older.

Today I turn 21. For one, I can drink in the USA. For two, I really don't know.

Somehow it intrigues me - why is it that on a normal year, I would normally have the birthday blues at a normal 24-hour period before my special day? now I guess everything turned to be not the so normal me.

2o has been really doing a lot of things to me. It made me realize things in life that I can do more than what I have so long believed I should and rubbed in my difficult head that there are some things in life that you can't just take hold on unless you work really really hard for it.

I'm dealing with the realization that my parents would love me a lot more if I changed in ways I couldn't; that if anything about the drama at home went beyond this house, it would bring my whole extended family down with me; that the love I believed in since I found out what love was doesn't actually lift me up where I belonged or move mountains, or close the miles or save the day, or even heal a goddamned hurt; that somewhere out there, people my age are worrying about tomorrow's movie date while I'm worrying about a steady job I won't get until three or more years from now, which will help me pay my own way out of here to somewhere I don't have to be on guard all the time; the frustration that I really do wish I could complain about pimples or hangovers or parents who wouldn't buy me a new car instead of all this.

What if this is actually me growing up even more, and now that I'm 21, it'll be even even more? I'm so tired, and so envious, and so stuck here. It's not fatalism or a sort of giving up and thinking "woe is my entire existence, what can I do but complain about my existence-driven maturity???" I'm just looking at this whole thing and wondering, how did I get here, and how did I even manage, and how can I go back?

But I guess, I am happy. Now whenever I hear loud laughs from a random group of people, everytime I see happy thoughts and experiences posted on facebook and twitter, each day I see people living their life the way they want it and each moment I learn how happy the people I love are - makes me even happier - and never guilty that I am one of, if not, the happiest.

My being 21 has just begun. Maybe it'll be great! Everything will be perfect. please give me the best vibes. =)

Envy is a bitch.

Never knew you could actually feel so unimportant... it's 3 days till I'm 21 and yet strangely I don't feel any excitement at all. I mean not that I'm not thankful for what i already have, god knows i thank him everyday for making life livable, but what if i don't want it to be normal? What if i want to be extra-ordinary? i mean how do you go about doing that? i envy people who have direction in their life so much, the dreamers, people who are involved in helping other people out, people who have like really huge problems yet they just breeze through life. and God knows i envy couples who i see walking around, mostly cos of the resolve they have in making things work, it also shows me that even if they go through a lot of hurt in the process they still enjoy being together, and that even with the risk of being hurt they still take that chance.

For the people involved in charities, people helping other people out and people fighting for a cause... i envy you because you have the drive to help other people out without ulterior motives, to spend so much time for people you hardly even know, for a cause that for all we know is hopeless to fight for. I envy you because of your compassion and determination in making that dream happen.

For the people who have direction in their lives, i envy you because you know where you're going. That no matter what happens in the now, you'll always know where you'll be a couple of years from now... i envy you because you already know what you're gonna be. what job you'll take, who you'll marry, and what you're going to do when you get all of that...

For the dreamers, i envy you because even if most of it doesn't come true, still you dream and hope for it to come. Because in dreaming you get happiness, and a sub-conscious effort to make that dream come true, and most of all i envy you because when one day your dream does come true I'd love to be able to feel what you feel.

For the people who breeze through life.. i envy you because even if youre hit hard with problems all you do is glide through it, yeah it does get bumpy along the way but you don't let it affect you. After the storm has passed you act as if no problem has ever blown your way. I envy you because in the end it will be you guys who the people will look to for hope when the mood is grim. It'l be you who will become pillars of hope for all the people around you.

I know im not one of these people, i do take pride in what i am and what i do, but not enough.
i wish one day i could be envious of my own shadow...

Devirginizing.

No, I didn't have my cherry popped just now. For the record, it hasn't been eaten yet.

I’m Gio Emprese. 20. Gay. Student. Club Promoter. Pseudo fashion stylist and Genuine passion-pusher. 150lbs. 5’7”. Cut.

Now that’s more I like it.

This is another shot at stripping off my fear of homophobic bitches. I am praying that I could see the rainbow everyday and be as candid as possible in relating to you my day-to-day experiences in the not-so-straight
world.

I have waited for the longest time for me to have a space to blurt out all my musings and now I’ve found the right hole to fill in my ramblings.

Now join me in my pursuit for the pot of gold at the end of every glorious rainbow. I am gonna be the most sincere queer in here; after all, this is my crib.