Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Woke up older.

Today I turn 21. For one, I can drink in the USA. For two, I really don't know.

Somehow it intrigues me - why is it that on a normal year, I would normally have the birthday blues at a normal 24-hour period before my special day? now I guess everything turned to be not the so normal me.

2o has been really doing a lot of things to me. It made me realize things in life that I can do more than what I have so long believed I should and rubbed in my difficult head that there are some things in life that you can't just take hold on unless you work really really hard for it.

I'm dealing with the realization that my parents would love me a lot more if I changed in ways I couldn't; that if anything about the drama at home went beyond this house, it would bring my whole extended family down with me; that the love I believed in since I found out what love was doesn't actually lift me up where I belonged or move mountains, or close the miles or save the day, or even heal a goddamned hurt; that somewhere out there, people my age are worrying about tomorrow's movie date while I'm worrying about a steady job I won't get until three or more years from now, which will help me pay my own way out of here to somewhere I don't have to be on guard all the time; the frustration that I really do wish I could complain about pimples or hangovers or parents who wouldn't buy me a new car instead of all this.

What if this is actually me growing up even more, and now that I'm 21, it'll be even even more? I'm so tired, and so envious, and so stuck here. It's not fatalism or a sort of giving up and thinking "woe is my entire existence, what can I do but complain about my existence-driven maturity???" I'm just looking at this whole thing and wondering, how did I get here, and how did I even manage, and how can I go back?

But I guess, I am happy. Now whenever I hear loud laughs from a random group of people, everytime I see happy thoughts and experiences posted on facebook and twitter, each day I see people living their life the way they want it and each moment I learn how happy the people I love are - makes me even happier - and never guilty that I am one of, if not, the happiest.

My being 21 has just begun. Maybe it'll be great! Everything will be perfect. please give me the best vibes. =)

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